Saturday, August 20, 2011

Natalie: Saying NO but also saying YES! (6 of 72)

I know that I have a problem saying no. Sometimes it is because I feel like I might be letting someone down but most times its because there are just so many things I enjoy doing that I don't want to miss out on anything.

I genuinely enjoy spending time with friends and I enjoy having outings with my husband and son. Growing up in a divorced family and as an only child, I didn't really have family outings nor did my mom and I spend much time with other families. It was just me, mom, and my grandmother. I crave connections (one of my values) and am excited about opportunities to go places and connect with friends. Granted it also means that I spend less time doing things around the house or working on other projects that need my attention but when the chance occurs to do something that sounds fun for me or especially for A. I have a difficult time saying no.

I actually cancelled my art group this week (which is an example of me saying no) because I knew I would be stretching myself too thin. I am starting to be better aware of my boundaries but I think working on these tasks has helped me make that decision. I do worry about disappointing people but instead of persevering on the worry, I just reminded myself that I can reschedule in a couple of weeks.

I have two major problem areas when it comes to saying no. In both areas, I have difficulty saying no to myself. I guess you could say that my eyes are bigger than my stomach. That is a fitting metaphor because I have trouble saying no to food. I LOVE good food but I also have this weird unrealistic anxiety about food as if every meal or food put in front of me is the last time I will ever have it and if I don't eat it I will never be able to have it again (can you sense the anxiety in that run-on sentence because its 10x worse in my head). I am also obsessed with the idea of wasting food and it is near impossible for me to just throw something away instead of eating it. A good friend of mine and I discussed this cognitive distortion I have about food and she said that essentially my eating it is just like throwing it away and I need to tell myself that I am "NOT a garbage can." This was a powerful message for me to hear because I really struggle with believing that I deserve...well just that I deserve.

The other place where I have trouble saying no is related to work. I am a very insecure person who is actually pretty good at getting a job (I interview well). This is both a blessing and a curse. I feel fortunate that I am able to find meaningful work but I have trouble knowing when my work plate is full. This means that I will take on more jobs than any one person can humanly perform. This is one of the reasons I closed my private practice as I had taken on two other jobs and it was way too much. When I started the private practice, I did not have the confidence to think that it would be successful or that I could survive on that income as it was new and I was not sure how steady it would be. I was offered my current job and the opportunity to teach a college course and I jumped on both of those.

I feel like pride was the thing propelling me to take these two other jobs as I could just not say no. In some respects, I am an overachiever. I am constantly trying to prove how smart I am. I have had many experiences over the years where my insecurity may have been misinterpreted for ignorance (that and my Jersey accent didn't help). I also had parents who just didn't get me and no matter how successful I tried to be it just didn't seem to make much of a difference. Here I am 37 years old and I'm still trying to seek my parents approval...pathetic, yes I know, but I truly have come a long way. I can get caught up in the feeling but I have the ability to step back and realize what's happening and adjust my approach.

While I need to work on saying no, I also need to practice saying "YES" to my Self (deliberate separation). Saying yes to my Self is a work in progress. I get better at it every day. Historically and I find like most women, I am not the type of person who puts themselves first and even know I deserve to be healthy and confident and sane, I struggle to put this into practice every day. Taking on this project has been a challenge both mentally and as yet another time commitment but I do see it as an example of me saying yes to my Self. I'm taking to day by day so I'm fascinated to see what I will say yes to tomorrow.



2 comments:

  1. Really beautifully written, Natalie. It's fantastic that you're working so hard to focus on yourself. Saying NO is one of the hardest things, I think. Again, I'm so moved by what you're saying and feel as though you're saying what I'm often feeling. Thanks for (unintentionally) putting some of those achy little knots inside of me into words. Beth

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  2. Also being an only child from a divorced household, being 31, and still being very aware of my need for approval from my parents, this post resonated very strongly with me. I know exactly what you mean about being an overachiever and always feeling the need to prove yourself.

    But, I suppose we all have the challenges in our lives we were designed to face, and what's difficult for us may be easy for others while the reverse is also true. What matters is that we accept ourselves for who we are and face our challenges head on. :)

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